For once in our lives, we wish we had that person who would love us dearly, understand us deeply and someone who’s in complete alignment with us - whether you’re a man or a woman.
We have that invisible check-list that we tick as we meet people. The problem isn’t about having that checklist. The problem is about meeting the same James over and over again.
Have you ever been in a situation where you get into a new relationship, and you said to yourself “This is it! I’ve met the one!” -- only to realise six months later that this is another James in Daniel’s body?! I know what it’s like. Blaming yourself “Why do I keep meeting guys like this?” and to them “Are there any real men out there?”
I’m not going to give you a relationship advice. In fact, I’m not even a relationship expert. I am by no means a guru in this area either. But if I know one thing, I do know the importance of diving deep within oneself to truly understand how we’re wired.
Before we get into this, I want to say this first. You’re not broken. There’s nothing you need to fix.
What we’re about to discuss is more like going through your wardrobe - getting rid of the old clothes that are taking space, trying on a few things so we can mix and match, and may be getting some new ones so you start showing up differently in your life.
1. You attract who you are
Robin Sharma said “We don’t get what we want. We get what we’ve earned”. I used to play victim why things are happening ‘to’ me but little did I know, I was responsible for attracting the people that I’ve attracted in my life. I'm not saying that this is your fault, but if we look at this from the other perspective, this is such an empowering statement. Because now we know that if we were to start shifting our inner reality, then we will be able to shift our external reality quickly. This brings me to the next point.
2. We know what we don’t want. But do you know what you do want?
We’re very good at saying what we don’t want in our lives. The tricky thing is, when we keep focusing on what we don’t want, then that’s what we’re spending most of our energy and time on focusing.
Where your focus goes, your energy flows. Our brain has this thing called Reticular Activating System. It works like a radar, and it’s a filtration system for the brain.
When we start to focus on certain things, the brain gets the instruction from our thoughts and start focusing more on it. So when we focus on what we don’t want, that’s what we’ll get more of. So how do we find out what is it that we want?
This is something that I teach extensively and have applied in my life for so many years. Journaling, especially when writing down, activates that sensorimotor part of the brain which promotes learning and clarity. Also when you write, it not only creates focus and also improves the part of the brain to visualise.
There’s a process called “Conscious Creation” process that I teach - which is about writing, visualising and creating the future that we want to step into. It’s such a powerful and profound process that I’ve seen many people, including myself, achieve goals and create so-called miracles in our lives.
So start including this ritual in your week. Write not from a place of fear and complaining but write from a place of visioning and creating. Write from a place of possibility.
4. The frizzy moments
Now that you’re clear on what you want and understand how our internal reality can have a massive impact on our external reality, are we ready to go? Yes and no.
Because in life, we’ll keep on facing - what I call, the frizzy moments. They are moments of self-sabotage. Hitting the upper limit like what Gay Hendrick says.
Sometimes, we have this 30 years of ingrained beliefs about ourselves. Beliefs are sometimes installed by the people around us such as family, friends and teachers. And sometimes, we borrow them from others. Whatever they may be, sometimes our greatest strength can become our greatest weakness.
For example, you have a belief since young that being in the relationship of your dreams only exists in the movies. Then one day, you meet that very person and automatically, the old beliefs are activated. Then you say things like -- “It’s too good to be true”, “He’s so perfect", "He must be hiding something”, “I can’t believe…”, etc.
If you’re not aware of these frizzy moments, then subconsciously you’ll let your old beliefs take over. So the key here is to pay attention when these old beliefs show up. This brings me to my next point.
5. Dealing with fears
The question is, then how do you deal with those beliefs and the fears driving those beliefs? There’s no one magic answer but the simplest way that I find that works is -- not to think about significant changes that you need to make but simple choices that you can make every day.
Have you ever told yourself that you'd achieve a big goal e.g. lose 35kg, make $1m in the next 12 months, etc. and find yourself completely overwhelmed?
The key here is to wake up every morning and ask yourself “What am I choosing today?”. Life is a combination of little choices we make every single day. If we consciously choose and set mini intentions every day we wake up and follow through them, then we’re focusing only on the day. Like Eckhart Tolle says “Be in the now”.
And those baby steps before you know it will become the whole journey. Before you know it, you’d be there - where you want to be.
6. Decisions from the wounds
We all have wounds at one point in our lives. Some heal fast. Some still nurture those wounds so they can get love and attention from others.
The thing is, life doesn’t give us what we can’t handle. We get exactly what we need in our lives - even if it seems completely unacceptable at the time.
If we want to show up whole and attract the relationship of our dreams, the first step is to heal ourselves. Integrate the fragmented parts of ourselves so we become whole as much as possible. And not wait for the person who could heal us - because what would happen if the person isn’t there anymore one day? Then you’ll be left wounded again.
7. Be the change you want to see in your partner
Expectations are what kill relationships. When two people first meet, we enjoy the differences so much that it creates the sparks, the fire, the suns and the stars. However, when the novelty wears off, then we slip back into focusing on what we don’t want then focus on what we do have.
Without knowing it, we start to push our expectations and frustrations in life onto the other person. The question here is -- do you like the person staring back at you when you stand in front of the mirror? If you were to be truly and brutally honest with yourself, can you accept who you really are? When you say things, do you say I’m by myself or I’m with myself?
These little things matter. The language we use matters. The things we tell to ourselves matter. And if there are things that we know deep down that we need to change, then be the change that you want to see in your partner.
8. Living as if
Finally, this is my favourite part. This is part of the Conscious Creation process. Whether you’re in a relationship already or you’re looking for the one, wouldn’t it be better to live as if it’s already happened? Rather than focusing on what’s not working, wouldn’t it be better if we channel all that energy to growing ourselves? So how do act as if?
Living as if is really about conditioning your ego to be ok with the changes that are about to take place. Your ego is scared of going to places where it hasn’t been. So when you make dramatic changes in your life, there’s a possibility that your ego will claw you back so you stay where you’ve always been - a safe place.
So it’s about projecting yourself into the future, mentally preparing yourself, visualising, feeling and acting as if it’s already happened. By doing this, you’re not only rewiring your neuro pathways to start thinking differently, but you’re also physically embodying what it’s like to be the new version of yourself - who has found the relationship of her dreams.
Arabelle is an International Speaker, Leadership Trainer and a Life Strategist. Born Buddhist, taught in ancient indigenous wisdom, trained in modern healing modalities and naturally curious about life, Arabelle teaches, writes and speaks about all things personal growth, leadership and healing.